Author: Ann Schiebert

Types of Reality Distortion Systems

Codependency, Part 2

Those in the RDS of Codependency think they’re extremely nice, helpful and giving, and they don’t understand why others aren’t just as nice to them.  The truth is, codependents foster dysfunction in others.  “Why should I stop gambling?  You pay all my debts!”  “Why shouldn’t I drink and drive?  You bail me out and hire the meanest lawyer we can find to get me off!” Codependents live to rescue others from the natural consequences of their bad decisions.  In doing so, they teach the person they are rescuing, that there really no consequences for them because the codependent in their life will fix everything!  Codependents create a dependency with the person they enable.  

The components of codependency are denial, low self esteem, compliance, avoidance and control.  Be aware of how they play out in your life.  The first step of leaving this RDS is to give up control.  If your 22 year old son tells you he is leaving his job to create a marijuana growing business in his garage, he is not asking you for advice.  Here’s the Hot Tip of the Day:  YOU get to respond to his announcement with, “Thanks for letting me know.”  PERIOD!!!!  No further comments – bite your tongue and go out and walk the dog, or if you don’t have one, walk the neighbor’s dog!  Leave the scene so you don’t fall into the, “let’s talk it over,” hook.

What to resist:  Fend off the desires to fix, rescue, give advice or be helpful.  Engaging in these behaviors is an ego feed for the codependent; it keeps them in the one up position (the, “knowing,” one) while it delivers to the object of their, “love,” the message, “You need me because you can’t figure it out for yourself.”  Abstain from the inclination to get involved in someone else’s drama.

Beliefs in this RDS:  

1. My happiness depends on you.
2. If you would change I would be happy.
3. I don’t know what I’m feeling.
4. I lack empathy for the desires and feelings of others.
5. I select emotionally unavailable people to be with and can’t understand why I don’t feel close to them.
6. It’s difficult to make a decision.
7. I’m so loyal I remain in harmful situations too long.
8. I give up my truth in order to win the approval of others.
9. I attempt to convince others of what to do, think or feel.
10. I allow my addictions to people, places and situations to keep me from having intimate relationships.

There are many more irrational beliefs in this RDS.  If you can master over coming these, you’ll be well on your way out of your RDS.