Types of Intimate Relationships
As we have said in previous posts, Codependency is the disease to please. While codependents think they want intimate relationships, those, “soul mate,” kind of relationships, what they actually, and unconsciously want, is to control their partner. Codependents select partners who are not emotionally available, and spend the time in the relationship trying to be close to their mate. They consider themselves to be intuitive and to KNOW exactly what is best for others. Codependency and Intimacy are actually opposites.
Codependents think of themselves as being helpful to their mates. They bend over backwards to please. They love to give advice. However, this is never rendered without strings attached. Codependents expect their partners to take their advice and express gratitude. They go to great effort to avoid conflict. Consequently, codependent often enable the people in their life to continue doing things that hurt them. For example, a codependent would keep paying bail and attorney fees for an adult child who keeps getting DUI’s. This only serves to teach the substance abuser that there are no consequences for their bad choices because they will be rescued and saved. When that adult child loses a driver’s license due to too many DUI’s, the codependent would drive them everywhere. So why would there ever be a need for the substance abuse to change?
At first, being in a relationship with a codependent feels amazingly nurturing. There is helping, waiting on, usually lots of sex, and the feeling that our new codependent partner is extraordinarily connected to our feelings and needs. This is what allures lovers. But when the coaching about why their partner needs to change, “for their own good,” or to be their, “best self,” and when the suggestions begin about what their partner needs to do to accomplish this, that is the starting point of the break in the illusion of intimacy.
Codependents tend to stay in unsatisfactory relationships. They are addicted to the hope that if they just explain one more time the reasons why their partner needs to make changes, their partner will have that, “ah ha,” moment and make the changes! This rarely happens. Codependents NEED to fix, save and rescue to feel complete. Intimacy is about equality in one’s relationship. When one is in a relationship with a codependent, it is important to remember, that the codependent gets their ego salved by fixing YOU.