Author: Ann Schiebert
Types of Reality Distortion Systems
Porn, Part 3
Unlike any other Reality Distortion System, porn addiction can lead the addict’s partner to feeling inadequate, unattractive, and shameful because they can’t connect with the one they love in the most intimate of ways. Partners often believe, “my lover prefers porn to me,” and their belief is based on the behavior of their partner. The significant others of porn addicts feel destitute because they are unable to stimulate or be as exciting as the porn their loved one is watching.
Recovery from this RDS is solely the responsibility of the addict. Remember, to get from an RDS to a Reality Clarity System, one must pass through denial, anger, depression, bargaining, actualization and acceptance. For the porn addict, passing through denial can be quite challenging. One must overcome the belief that he/she is engaging in porn activities for just a little added stimulation. In truth, porn has become one of the addicts organizing principles; it is what they plan to do in their spare time, and they find ways to get away from family members in order to isolate and enter into their sexual rituals. The push back from one’s partner can lead to anger, and the realization that one’s sexual pleasure has become reliant on a computer or DVD, can be quite depressing. The porn addict usually tries to convince their partner that there is no problem, and that their significant other is a prude because they have a negative judgment about the addict’s constant use of porn to provide sexual arousal.
What to Resist: For the addict, it is tempting to try to convince their partner that the sexual problems in the relationship are due to some lack of desirability. Resist engaging in conversations that attempt to put blame for disruption in sexual intimacy on one’s partner. Don’t act on the rationalization; “There really isn’t a problem here, so one more time on the computer won’t hurt.” Resist wanting to save just one porn DVD, “for old time’s sake.” One’s porn materials must go in the trash, and the favorite Internet sites need to be erased from the computer database.
Beliefs in this RDS: My mate isn’t as sexually/physically attractive as the people I’m viewing in my porn movie. Getting sexual gratification from Internet sites is more satisfying than it ever could be with my partner.
My spouse is so unattractive to me, I have to seek sexual stimulation and relief in other places. I’m just exploring sexual freedom or alternative ways of being sexually stimulated. This is my secret and no one needs to know what I do in my private time.
Next post: the RDS of codependency